Category Archives: Relationships

My feelings about Being Mary Jane

When I first heard of the show, I was excited and who wouldn’t be?! The story line seemed like the story of many a black woman. But even as I try to express how the show makes me feel, I’m so tempted to delete everything and go to sleep but what stops me is that I know by morning I would have the sane feelings again.

For those of you who watch the show, you would be familiar with the characters that I speak about. Every woman, black, white, mixed, yellow and blue has known what it is like being a woman. The sometimes, day in and day out struggle of being misunderstood or any other adjective that is deemed fit for us. I can relate to many of the situations that Mary Jane faces and that is what upsets me more than anything.

We, women that is, have all had our hearts broken at some point and some of us have had it broken by the same man. This man for Mary Jane, is David. He is her weak spot and we all have that person who is our weak spot. Frankly, mine compelled me to write a whole book about him but that is a completely different topic for a completely different time.

David, David, David, I shake my head. Why is it that the man who causes us pain is the man we always want? What upsets me about Mary Jane?Being Mary Jane! As hilarious and ironic as it may seem, the show has the perfect name. It is all about real situations, it may not happen in our lives in the hour that it may on the show but it happens. Many of us can relate, we may have even fast forwarded through some of the issues but we all scream at her not to make the choices she does because we know far too well how it turns out.

As nerve wrecking as it may be watching the show and in some cases being able to wonder if someone used actual footage from some aspects of my life…Being Mary Jane has been and will continue to be and I will be me and continue watch it in wonder and awe as she takes me on the journey I was to scared to admit I wanted to take.

When Did the Single Black Woman Become So Weak?

downloadMore and more every day I see some new series being created or some new character in a series being slowly changed from strong to weak. Where does this come from and when did it start happening.

Let’s take a look at some of the shows of today:

Scandal – when Scandal first showed its face I was intrigued by it because it depicted a strong black woman making her mark in the world. She was the “fixer” and there was nothing that she and her team couldn’t handle because they were gladiators; gladiators in suits as they liked to say. Every Thursday night I would be glued to the screen to see another new twist and turn and be amazed at how well she handled herself but then I started to wonder where Olivia’s man was. As strong as a woman or even a black woman appears to be she always wants a man or is supposed to have someone who she could tell her deepest and darkest secrets to and sometimes I started thinking that maybe it was Harrison because he seemed to be a match for her character. I think somehow I started making up a romance for them that surely was not there. Then the biggest regret of the year showed its ugly head, who was her man, who was the man who would make a smile appear on her face when she didn’t feel like smiling? Well it was none other than the scripted President of the United States, so not only were they making Olivia Pope, the professional extraordinaire, into being a home wrecker but she was also degrading the image of the President. Fantastic!!! So I continued watching and everyone including some of my friends started raving about the chemistry between them, chemistry that I never saw or to this day see. I won’t say that I am difficult and that once cheating enters the mix that I immediately shut down and start judging. Hell I have watched The Good Wife and I love the fact that Will and Alicia hooked up and by hooked up I mean made me wish for a couple of moments that I was Alicia because Will is one specimen that I would love to get my hands on. For those of you not knowing about the show – Alicia was and still is married to a man whose name is not Will, now if Olivia Pope wants to know what chemistry is supposed to resemble watch those two. They worked at the same law firm and if they smiled at each other, the chemistry was there, if they glanced at each other across the room I think they thought it was only two of them in the world then. Compared to Olivia Pope and Fitz, they did not and still do not come close.

Fitz, however, is her weakness. He is the person that transforms her from being the strong black woman she is portrayed to be to a weaker version. Stand up for yourself Olivia; stand up for what you know is right and make black women appear a little stronger, make him squirm a little longer, demand his respect. There was a time when she made a statement which most women used as their anthem, “I am not a toy you can play with when you’re bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me!” Gladiators don’t cry, those words Harrison uttered when the show started and from then in almost every episode Olivia has been crying over Fitz. Her father made me laugh when he told Fitz that he is a boy and that my friend is why Daddy Pope deserves an award because truer words were never spoken. Olivia handle the situation, handle the President, stop letting him belittle you, find a strong man who you would want your kids to call daddy and leave the little boy alone.

Then her cousin was born, who is her cousin? None other than Mary Jane from “Being Mary Jane”, another strong black woman, professional, taking care of her family but still searching for someone to take care of her. This is not what makes her weak because these are things that every woman wants including me. Who doesn’t want a man to come swooping in and save you when you have been in the office all day and night and only glanced at the sun when you arrived the morning. Men have hurt her, and yes women can relate to that but it is how you react when men hurt you that makes you weak, some people are even aware that they are weak and openly admit it but what I want to know is when did we as black women get so weak? Even Keisha who stars in “Single Ladies”, who would tell off a bat if he flew too close has started to become a weaker character than what she first was introduced to us as. Is it the love that we have for these men, the way that we would do anything to make them happy that makes us into a weaker sex? We were taught that if a man hurts you and we were taught to turn the cold shoulder to him, ignore his calls, threaten to talk about him to your mutual friends and do everything but move across state lines to get away from him.

In reality what do we really do? We pretend that is what, at first we may ignore his call, we may even change his name to, “Do Not Call” or “Idiot” or something more extreme, anything to make us not call or text him. We could even delete the number all together but what good is that when it is programmed into our mind like what time our favorite show comes on. We see that number calling and we could be putting gas in the car or getting ready to pick up a bag of groceries with our independent selves and we turn to putty. We may think of answering on the fourth ring just to make him squirm but who are we kidding we answer on the first just in case he missed dialed you or in case he puts down fast. Our heart is beating fast, our mouths may start to water, we want to know what he wants and if he says he wants to pass by, we run out of wherever we are to hurry home and make ourselves ready for “the talk”. Who are we kidding, we are getting ready for some hot sex because no one does it better than him but again when did we get so weak? Was it when the men stepped up their game and started pleasuring you in words and actions, when you loved them a little bit more than you did yesterday? When did it happen? There are times that even I have been weak and felt as though I was looking at myself but somehow couldn’t help myself. The black woman has become dependent I think on emotion, she wants to know when a man can please her. She may want her feet rubbed when she gets home after a long, long day. She wants someone to take care of her because she is sick and tired taking care of herself and I can hear the women saying “Amen” here. She wants to be loved, she wants attention, she wants to be the center of a man’s attention and this is not being called weak, it’s called “being a black woman in a society so full of hate that you crave that little bit of affection no matter the hands it may come from or the lives you may ruin, it’s called wanting to be happy, it’s called wanted to be wanted and it’s called being a woman.”

Relationships: what are they again?

I know I promised to write about the new series, “Being Mary Jane” and I always try to uphold a promise. Even though the above subject is pretty universal and talks about relationships or what they seem to be becoming to me, I will also be touching on the series.

As most of you who probably watch the show know, it’s the story about a well-educated and professional black woman struggling with the one persistent and nagging cry of most black women with the same attributes…that is trying to find a man who you could see yourself settling down with. When I first started watching the series, I wanted more. I had only watched the pilot episode and I was ready for the rest to follow. It was so funny watching every emotion that ever traveled through me being depicted on-screen by her. The frustration, the worry, the secrets which you have to keep to hide the shame and finally the hurt when that man who you invested your soul in either lies to you or leaves.

I have heard over and over again that the world is not equally divided and that we as women need to suck it up and realize that if we are to find a man to father our children and to keep the right hand side of the bed warm; that we need to start sharing. Each and every time I have heard this stupid statement, I have felt disgusted. Like most black women out there I went to a great school, then went onto furthering my education at university because that was what was expected of me. I was supposed to further my skill set and master a profession that I would someday consider my career as it would open the door to a new chapter in my life. It made me start to imagine how my life would appear couple years down the line, study hard, and then work hard, make my money, save my money and then settle down with my prince. Who is this prince?

My prince would have been the man who I would have done anything for. A man who knew that if he had an awful day that he would find solace in my arms, in our house we built together, in his children’s eyes as he saw the love they had for him and the pleasure it brought to them to know that their dad was home. His heart would settle and he could breathe, exhale like they always say because I was there to soothe all his worries and relinquish any failing moment he had in the day. He would be the father of my two kids who were playing with the new puppy outside as my neighbors laughed at them over the white picket fence that separated my yard from theirs; a fence that was losing its color but a fence and my fence nonetheless.

This prince is a figment of the black woman’s imagination and so many times we may see it in the distance like a fleeting butterfly and we feel great and run in seek of it. Mary Jane had this same belief I think and she worked hard and she deserved it but then when she found out that the man lied. She swore it was time for the next step, that he would have told her how much he wanted to be that prince, probably would have gotten down on one knee as she stood aghast but pleased; but he had already done it – he was already married and she was a side order. It’s sad too because he was probably the prince of someone who made herself into a professional so that at the end of the day she could relax and accept all the pleasures that life had to offer.

There were times when men have approached me, men who are already in relationships and yes it may feel great to be noticed but at the end of the day no one loves to share. A woman loves to know that she could depend on a man, we make ourselves into these independent creatures because society wills it so. We have to be strong and take care of ourselves because these values were instilled in us from early. Our grandparents whispered it to us on every visit, “do good for yourself because a man loves a woman who can take care of themselves”. Yes we are independent but we still depend on the man to be a support system, someone who we could confide things in that a priest may raise his eyebrows at, a lover, a best friend and a partner.

Of late I have heard about so much cases of this sharing thing and I am selfish where it comes to love, sex and food – I do not share, let me repeat that again; I DO NOT SHARE. Some men may say there are some women who have no problem with sharing him with another but how much does that woman value her heart and her pride. Would he consider her his queen and would she ever respect him enough to call him her prince. Would his heart feel at ease when he is with her and he tries so hard to push memories of his wife or girlfriend out of his mind just as fast as he may try to slip his ring off his finger?! A prince is a man, he isn’t a boy. That was something that made me laugh when I watched Scandal and Olivia’s father told Fitz that he was just a boy. It is true – a boy acts like that. A boy pouts when his wife or his girlfriend isn’t giving him the attention that he needs or sexing him every time she breathes. A boy reacts and a boy cheats whereas a man has discussion, a man makes a choice if he isn’t happy and would walk away if it isn’t working. He wouldn’t bring a woman he supposedly cares for into that with the sad story of he wants to leave but his hands are tied. A man steps up and acts and fights for who and what he wants, a man doesn’t have side pieces because his main order is both fulfilling and all that he needs to get by. A man looks down, grabs his balls and is he sees a woman that he thinks deserves his time, he puts every last drop of effort into making her his priority and treating her fairly. Boys make girls cry, a man makes his woman toes curl when he walks in a room and only makes her cry when she gives birth to his children, a man never makes a woman cry.

Recently I went in search of something I had heard on Glee and it summed it up perfectly when Lea Michele (Rachel) said, “I HATED YOU! But then when I got to New York, I thought how much you love me, and how hard that must have been for you. And I thought, “This…THIS is what a man looks like. This is how a man loves. But you, NOT telling me where you were for FOUR months, and sneaking out before sunrise in the middle of the night without saying goodbye?! THAT is not being a MAN, Finn. I don’t need you to give me my freedom! I am a grown woman, I don’t need you to hide from me, to keep me from doing what is right for me. Don’t you get it? No matter how rich, or famous, or successful I become…when it comes to you, I’m…I’m always gonna be that moon-eyed girl who freaked you out at our first glee rehearsal. You were the first boy who made me feel loved, and sexy, and visible. You are my first LOVE, and I want, more than anything, for you to be my last.” That is how a woman loves people, when she has reached her breaking point and unleashes words that cut deep.

Of course Mary Jane did like most women would on seeing a sexy man paying her attention, sure he was married but a black woman is as weak as society makes her feel. The idea that when you seem to have it all that they have the right to ask, “why are you single”, a question that pisses me off until this day. It is not up to us(women), the same way that people ask those who live together, “why aren’t you married yet,” as the crickets chirp in the background and you feel like the earth should open up as the man puts his hands in his pockets and smiles and you use every ounce of strength to bite your lip, remain poised and smile as you utter the lie you have repeated to yourself so much that it is your new truth, “in time”.

I want an old-fashioned relationship, when a man is contented with me and me alone until the children come into play and then he is fully contented. When either of us could have a bad day and smile on the drive home knowing the secret weapon that we have waiting on us when we arrive at home – love. A love so strong that no one could come between us, a love formed through trust and commitment. I don’t ever want to share my prince with another besides God, his family and his friends.

Suggested Video: All of Me by John Legend. Let’s love strong again and stop sharing.love_intro

Gay rights

Growing up I didn’t know much about the whole “being gay” thing until I was much, much older. It probably existed but it was never talked about, to me it was right up there with those elephants in the closet that no one wanted to talk about. What I did know about though was discrimination and being a young black female meant that I learnt the definition of discrimination firsthand.

I remember watching “The Color Purple”, probably when I was a teenager; it wasn’t because I had rented it but it showed on the local television network so I sat and watched it and from then I have had a soft spot where it came to Oprah and where it came to my ancestors. To say that black people went through hell would be the proverbial understatement of the century. To see how my ancestors were treated abused, raped and discriminated made me cringe. I sat and cried as I watched it, it didn’t matter that this was a movie because these events happened and in some places this is probably still happening. That is when I realized that as a people, no one is more superior than the other. I’ll leave my stance on racial discrimination until another time but what I want to speak about is gay rights.

How different are we as a people when we discriminate against those who choose to be gay, I am not gay and it shouldn’t have to matter but what I do have and am blessed with are some friends who are gay. Looking at them no one can tell because they look just like you or me, they get sad, they hurt, they get angry because they are human and honestly who they choose to love is really up to them. I have heard people say that you don’t have to be a tree to stand up for environmental rights and I don’t have to be gay to stand up for gay people. They deserve just as much freedom as the black man riding the bus.

I have seen happiness in their eyes and this is more happiness than I have probably ever seen. The discrimination of race is just like the discrimination of being gay. Yes I have an issue with men who live on the down low and that is not because they are gay but because they lie to their wives, they lie to their families but when I think about it and I think about it really hard I have to honestly ask myself why would they lie. The answer is simple, it’s because of the society that we live in where someone is discriminated, judged and avoided based on a lifestyle. A lifestyle which is a part of who they may be and for a black man especially trying to make a name for himself it would be hard for him to admit who he really is but I think you should always be true to who you are, what you believe in and who you love.

Recently I have started watching “The Fosters” which is centered around a gay couple who adopt kids and show them just how much love there is in the world today and in the season finale they got married but one of their dad’s didn’t approve of it and she stood up to him and told him he didn’t have to come but what stood out for me was a song that played as they danced with their kids. “Same Love” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis and I have never heard a song which encompasses

Gay Couple in Military pants holding hands on ...
Gay Couple in Military pants holding hands on the CSD 2006 in Berlin Making Love Not War (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

all my beliefs and the dreams I have that this world change and stop the discrimination against our people. We are not God and who are we to judge, the Pope was correct in his statement and I stand firmly behind it. Take a peep at the music video and join in the fight to stand together as a people and support and not destroy the rights of people who choose to have same love for people of the same sex.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0

Who can say where the road leads…..

images

  There is something that happens to your spirit when you have a dream that you aren’t fulfilling or living. Slowly but surely something starts to take over and you are no loner yourself, you lose focus over the smallest things and you just sit there…staring blankly at the canvas of your life. Trying to find freelance writing jobs can be the most painstaking thing ever but thank God for my blog.

We all have dreams and as we get older we decide which ones are worthwhile and which ones are just dreams. When I was younger I wanted to be a vet, I longed to be close to these animals that I loved but then it hit me; what would you do when you have to put them to sleep because that is a part of the job sometimes. So that dream was cancelled and I started fresh. I knew that I wanted to get married and have kids, probably two, a boy and a girl and because I love baking and cooking; my household would be satisfied. Love would flow freely from me to them because that is who I am; he hopeless romantic who this cruel world tries to turn into a cynic. However like any dream we have to compare that to reality, you get older and you realize that 1) it takes two to tango, marry and create babies and that 2) finding lasting relationships is sometimes fleeting; well to me anyhow.

So I took all of my relationship hits and misses and wrote a book a few years ago. At first it didn’t start off as me wanting to write a book; it was just something that I started typing when I had some downtime in the office and then my friends wanted more. They wanted to know how it ended and as intrigue would have it; I wanted to know how it ended too so I continued to the end. I looked around for publishers and like any first time writer I chose a publisher that probably benefited more from my book sales than I did. If I am anything it is that I am resilient  life can throw as much lemons and I will catch each one and squeeze them into a quenching glass of lemonade.

Truth be told, I have always loved writing, even at school I would sit and doodle and write poetry or create a short story. My friends have urged me on a lot, without them my blog probably won’t exist but it is my canvas and I can do whatever I want on it. I could go sailing on the Mediterranean, tour Dubai, take an African safari, I can even pretend I am with Vin Diesel and the rest of the gang as we race through the streets of Tokyo, Brazil and LA. I can anchor my yacht and sip margaritas with my girlfriends as we flirt with cute guys and help out starving people around the world. I can do it all with just my creative mind and a blank piece of paper; but what I really want to do is take people on this exciting journey with me. Buckle up guys…….we are in for a journey.

Cheating – Part II

AWKWORD - The Dating Game (HD) (ft. The Incomp...
AWKWORD – The Dating Game (HD) (ft. The Incomparable Shakespeare; dir. Tone Spliff) on Vimeo by AWKWORD TV (Photo credit: AWKWORDrap)

What are the reasons why men cheat: I must admit that I was very tempted to sum it up in one line, “Men cheat because they want more sex”.

I even tried to get some of my friends to educate me on the reasons behind cheating and to tell you the truth many of them side stepped the topic and then eventually said that it is for sex. There were some who went a little further to explain what they meant and that was appreciated and duly noted here. Yes I may have noted their comments here but that does not in any way suggest that this is my way of thinking.

So this is my view on it, I think that woman was placed on God’s green earth to keep man’s company, making sure that he was happy and that he had someone to share his life with. In the Bible, no matter what version you read, we read how God created Adam and then he realized that he was lonely and he fashioned woman from his rib. So we can safely deduct that for every man there should be one woman, a mathematician could probably create an equation to sum it up. Nowhere in his teaching was it said that he plucked another rib from Adam and made another woman for him when Eve was not available. I think he wanted us to be happy but some persons have taken it upon themselves to incorporate sharing themselves with others as a way of life and I think it is wrong. How do you think God feels when he looks down at his children and sees how much they have strayed or do you even think about it?

The reasons why men cheat centered on sex but some men told me that it was on a deeper level, saying that men crave attention just as much as women do and I found it shocking that they admitted that to me. They continued to say that women sometimes pay more attention to their jobs and their female friends and stop paying them as much attention as they did before. It is at this time that they get “emotionally weak” and when another woman starts to pay them the attention that they crave, they are so appreciative that they find themselves cheating. At the end of it all, many of them realize the error in their ways after the burden of the guilt becomes too much for them to bear and their woman is back to giving them the attention that they desired. As they went on to explain, it is not easy to stop the affair once it has started because they have no control over the “power” that the other woman has on them. Most of the time, the outside lady knows that he is involved in a relationship but is not bothered because he is giving himself and his time to her as well. In a situation like this who is at fault or who is to blame?

The next reason why men cheat is due to their partner not being the most diverse in experimenting especially when it comes to lovemaking. I found this one particularly funny when I heard it. Am I to assume that once I as a woman refuse to “experiment” with you that you would cheat on me until you have found someone who is a master at it? Well I wish you luck as many of you will get bored when you start to realize that there is no satisfaction to be achieved in living the fast life and the life of experimentation. Have you ever noticed what happens when you hold a test tube over the furnace for too long? It starts to darken and the liquid evaporates, you can interpret the test tube as yourself, the furnace as the outside life that you seek to live and the liquid as your life. Why are you willing to risk the relationship that you are a part of and insult the love that a woman has for you? Is it only so that you could experience a moment or two of pleasure and if so, I don’t understand? 

Maybe there are other reasons why men cheat but the article can only be so long so I end it here and as usual I leave you with a thought or two and this pertains to both sexes as I am not discriminating. The next time you feel like you are not getting the attention you deserve from the woman or the man who professed to love you, ask the women or the men who lost their partner and would love to have another second with them. Cherish the relationships that you are in and if you find that you are no longer happy due to whatever reason, leave before you cause pain on yourself and your partner. Try thinking about someone other than yourself and make an adult decision – choose to love one and not lust all. 

 Let me know your thoughts

Cheating

Many persons have asked themselves why their partner cheats and some are probably still asking the question. In the past and of late there have been many movies which have centered on this topic and maybe “one or two” of us have actually experienced it at some point in life. I remember once being told that you have not lived until you have been cheated on and from the time I heard it up until now, I have found it funny. Beyond my bouts of laughter, I often wonder if it is a new rule in life where we all have to be cheated on but I think that we all have the control to stop it. Recently the subject of cheating came up during one of our many lunchtime discussions. You can probably imagine my astonishment when I was told that cheating is now being called “sharing”. Before I could understand this, I was told that it is also referred to as “lending assistance” – I was flabbergasted. Never in my life have I heard such utter rubbish.

As a young lady I would hate someone to ask me to share either myself or them with another. As it stands I cannot share a piece of chicken without experiencing heartburn and you would want me to share my lover with you as well – NO. On the other hand, there are some who would probably step to a man knowing full well that he has another but how dare you assist his lady without first putting yourself in her situation. I must admit, I know that we have no control over who comes into our relationship to assist us but there must be some degree of respect no matter how miniscule for the other person involved. This new way of having a relationship is not for me at all and I don’t think that it is right. I am a hopeless romantic and there is nothing that you can say to make me change my outlook. Would you rather be a spare in a relationship or would you rather be a committed partner? I think that being in a relationship with a person does not necessarily make them your property but at the same time it is a mark of respect to remain faithful with them. A relationship can be much more than sex and satisfaction as it is centered on trust and with each day it is built into something more by conversation and harmony. For many of us, a relationship is a step closer to marriage where you grow together as a couple and share each others life. I think the concept of sharing which we learnt about as children has crept into our adult lives and has been blown out of proportion by those who practice it. Are you for it or against it?

Anyhow back to my topic, why do men or women cheat, lend assistance or share? As a woman you would think that I could give a long list but I can’t. I can give you some but I am not fortunate to know the full list but I am aware of the ones that head the list. The main reason why a woman cheats is because of hurt; there was probably a time when she was hurt by a man who professed to love her but never practiced it. Women relish when they are the center of a man’s world and most of the time, many women do not understand why male friends take more precedence than they do. Most men seem not to realize that there is nothing that a woman doesn’t see and remember. She sees how her man may smile and pant when a pretty lady passes by, how his expression changes whenever a “friend” calls and even how late he stays at work – even later than the cleaners to get a job done. What you don’t understand is that by doing these things you are silently sacrificing the feelings of the woman who loves you. I know that there may be other reasons why women cheat but I know that lack of attention heads the list. I remember a few years ago I met a lady who lived in the US, she told me that her boyfriend of six years told her everyday how ugly she was and that he would cheat on her in an instant. I could not believe what she had told me but I admired her more because she stuck with him and never cheated on him or left him. So even though many may cheat from the lack of attention, some end up loving their partner more in the hopes they would change.Image